


but baby, we're just getting started

by switchfault



Category: 1PUNCH (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-28
Updated: 2015-07-28
Packaged: 2018-04-11 19:08:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4448675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/switchfault/pseuds/switchfault
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's probably difficult to go from having a dozen hyungs to just one. It's no doubt even more difficult to suddenly have this kid beside you at all times.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but baby, we're just getting started

"Hi, I'm Samuel, I'm looking forwards to working with you, hyung." The boy in front of Jaewon is bright-eyed and energetic, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet and looking entirely too comfortable with the situation for Jaewon's liking.

This wasn't exactly what he'd had in mind when he agreed to be part of a duo. 

Yeah, he definitely planned on being paired up with a guy, a singer, but some kid who has to be about a decade younger than him? How good could he be, anyway.

"Same," Jaewon forces out, offering the kid a smile that he knows is too awkward and too strained. It doesn't seem to make a difference, and it's the kid who takes charge when they sit down with everyone else to plan things out. 

Jaewoon imagines this must be what being hit by a truck feels like.

 

As it turns out, Samuel isn't clueless. It only takes a couple of meetings for Jaewon to understand that he knows what he's talking about. After one vocal practice session Jaewon knows that Samuel is a more than decent enough singer. During their first dance practice together, it's Jaewon who needs a break to breathe while Samuel keeps going.

Shit. As if he needs some kid upstaging him.

"You have really good technique, hyung," Samuel says when Jaewon goes back to dancing, falling into step fairly easily. They haven't tried creating anything of their own yet, it's all other groups' routines and freestyling in between. Good method to assess each other and get used to sharing a space. Jaewon's not a stranger to dancing with other people, but Samuel is shorter and younger than the guys he's used to dancing with and it takes some time getting used to.

"So do you," he replies almost reluctantly. He's still not sure how to talk to someone so much younger than himself. It's hard to imagine that they have anything in common aside from being in the same business.

But there's no denying that Samuel can dance, and he gets comfortable in Jaewon's presence far quicker than the other way around. It's only when Samuel literally dances circles around him that Jaewon sinks to the floor, groans, and tells him to take a damn break.

"I'm used to dancing with a lot of hyungs," Samuel says. He laughs as he grabs two water bottles and flings himself to the floor next to Jaewon. "It's strange, just dancing with one instead of a lot." 

Jaewon nods, but he's not sure he's interested. He drains half the bottle in one go and lies back on the floor, content with listening to the still playing music. Next to him, Samuel drones on, talking about the hyungs he trained and lived with. Names and bits and pieces of information swirl around in the air, goes in one ear and out the other, and it's oddly comforting. This isn't something Jaewon is used to. Sure he has friends, and he's worked with people before, but it's all been formal and business-like, or centered around clubs and beer and smoke-filled rooms.

It's all too easy to zone out, though Jaewon is brought back to the practice room when there's a sudden weight on him. He huffs and opens his eyes only to find Samuel half on top of him, way too close, peering down on him. "Am I annoying you?"

"No, it's fine," Jaewon says, though he still pushes Samuel off of him and gets back on his feet. A glimpse of Samuel's expression, suddenly uncertain, makes him relent and he helps Samuel up as well, gives him an awkward half hug. "I don't mind you talking. Just don't expect me to answer all the time."

Samuel does a twirl, stumbles, and crashes against Jaewon. It looks comical enough that Jaewon laughs with him, and Samuel beams at him. "You should smile more, hyung, you have a really nice smile."

"I'll try," Jaewon promises with a chuckle, before pushing Samuel off of him again so they can go back to doing what they're supposed to be doing.

 

Jaewon writes raps in the van on the way from one building to the next, and tries not to be self-conscious about the way Samuel watches him write. The first few weeks, he shields his notebooks, doesn't want to let anyone read, but Samuel is quietly persistant and eventually Jaewon gives in.

Samuel mouths the lines, swear words and all, and nods to himself. Jaewon gets him to try it out loud, gives him a beat to follow, and Samuel gives it a shot but gives up after a few tries. 

"You're the rapper, hyung," he says and pats Jaewon's shoulder, as if he's trying to reassure Jaewon about their roles in this. 

"Well, if I have to take vocal lessons, you should take rap lessons." Jaewon has a feeling his reasoning is petty, but he doesn't care. He has to squirm and suffer through several vocal lessons a week and he figures they should be in this together in any and all ways possible.

Samuel wrinkles his nose, but agrees without hesitation. Somehow their spare time together becomes filled with rap and beats, writing and spitting lines, laughing at improves lyrics and coming up with increasingly ridiculous verses until Jaewon forgets the age difference between them because this, music, is what they have in common and it doesn't really matter that Samuel is a teenager when he's this passionate about music.

 

"Have you been with many girls?" The question comes out of nowhere, in the middle of a late and hurried dinner after spending a little too long in the dance studio. Jaewon is tired and his body aches all over, but Samuel seems like he could have continued another three hours without problems.

Maybe that's why his brain makes weird leaps. Too much energy.

Jaewon chews slowly, swallows, then shrugs. "A few."

Samuel cocks his head, looks at him a little more intently. He's too perceptive where Jaewon is too oblivious; a match-up that doesn't sit quite right with him even if he can't change it. "Have you been with any boys?" Samuel's tone is nothing but curious, not a hint of judgment. 

It's what makes it easier to nod. "A few," Jaewon replies and shrugs. He doesn't see the need to lie. If they're going to work together, really work together, then they need to be able to be open with each other. There has to be trust. He doesn't know much about idol boys or idol groups or how to be apart of any of it, but this is his way. 

Samuel hmms and goes back to eating. Doesn't even seem surprised over the admissions. When he finishes the meal he flops over, pillows his head on Jaewon's thigh, and sighs contently. "I'm glad you're cool."

"What does that even mean?" Jaewon doesn't move, keeps eating because there's food left and he's not gonna leave any of it.

Instead of replying, Samuel rolls over and presses his face against Jaewon's thigh, and Jaewon decided that maybe it's better not to know.

 

Vocal lessons and dance practices gradually turn from something generic to something specific. Lyrics are written, songs are composed, routines are choreographed. Jaewoon swears it's all happening in slow motion, but it's all going too quick at the same time. 

He's running on too little sleep and too much caffeine and they're repeating their song's choreography for what feels like the hundreth time that day. It's starting to become muscle memory and this is an entirely new way of working but hey, it's the business. Jaewon doesn't mind going with it, finding the whole process kind of interesting. Might not be something he wants to live with for the rest of what he hopes will become a career, but it's a good way to get his feet wet. Get some experience, start building something that's all his own.

The hard work and occasionally harsh words doesn't bother Jaewon much. He knows he has a lot to learn. He's new to all of this. 

It's a different matter altogether when their dance instructor snaps at Samuel after he gets a step wrong one too many times in a row. Samuel looks down and nods, doesn't answer back, and that should've been the end of it because they're accustomed to listen to their teachers, but Jaewon steps forward before he knows what he's doing, places a hand on Samuel's shoulder, fixes their instructor with a glare.

"Back off. We've been practicing for three hours without a break."

Samuel turns to look at him, wide-eyed, surprised. It's not like Jaewon has a habit of coming to his defense. "Hyung, it's fine."

There's a few moment of tense silence before their instructor nods. "Fifteen minute break. Then we start over." He stalks out of the room and the back-up dancers disperse, forming their own groups.

Samuel is still staring at him and Jaewon clears his throat. "I just thought that was uncalled for. You're doing your best," he says without meeting Samuel's eyes. 

The next thing he knows, Samuel is hugging him so tightly it's hard to breathe. "Thanks, hyung." 

"Don't mention it," Jaewon mutters, isn't used to being thanked for anything, but he returns the hug nonetheless. 

 

Officially debuting is fucking weird. Mini album, music video, performances, appearances. They're an actual duo all of a sudden, a unit, manufactured and put through the usual K-pop machine. 

"This is fucking wild," Samuel says. He stands on his tip-toes, an arm around Jaewon's shoulders as if to demonstrate that yes, they're here together. As if their matching hairstyles and clothes don't give that away.

Jaewon snorts and elbows his side. "Language."

"I can say much worse things," Samuel replies and turns his head like he's about to prove it and Jaewon decides that it's about time to get the hell out of there because he doesn't want to know what Samuel might come up with to try to shock him.

Samuel sighs when Jaewon withdraws, so Jaewon smiles, tight-lipped, and holds out his hand for Samuel's so that they can make sure they stay together.

 

This is all one big adjustment.

Jaewon isn't used to taking other people into consideration all the time, but now he automatically thinks of Samuel first, then himself.

He figures this is what being in a group is all about.

 

There seems to be cameras everywhere these days. Backstage they're haunting him, a cheerful guy behind it always trying to get him to be entertaining. He's an idol now, technically, it's what he's here for. 

This is the part Jaewon isn't good at. He mutters something and stumbles over his words and sighs in quiet relief when Samuel steps in and takes over. Plays up to the camera like he's been doing it for years already. Always playful, energetic, happy. Such a professional, and he's only just starting out. 

Sometimes Jaewon is a little bit in awe of Samuel. Sometimes more than a little.

"You'll get used to it soon, hyung," Samuel says when the camera guy moves on. He settles on the armrest of Jaewon's chair and bops his shoulder, offering him a reassuring smile. There's something really weird about having a 13-year-old encourage you. "You just need to relax a little. The cameras aren't dangerous, they're not gonna bite you." Samuel grins and pokes his side. He's not afraid to point it out when Jaewon doesn't do as well as he should. It would be annoying, except it goes both ways. 

Jaewon groans and eyes the camera guy at the other end of the room, busy filming some girls. "I just don't know what to say."

"Say anything!"

"Easy for you to say." Jaewon offers Samuel a little smile, allows him to get close enough to lean against Jaewon's side. "You had cameras around you all the time for years, of course you're cool with it."

"And you'll be cool with it soon too." Samuel gives him a squeeze, still encouraging. "You got used to me pretty quick, didn't you?"

If it had been anyone else, Jaewon would have thought the comment was passive-aggressive, brought on by resentment more than anything else. But while Samuel is perceptive, he's anything but mean, so Jaewon just smiles and gives Samuel a little squeeze in return. "You're much nicer than the camera guys. Besides we're in this together."

Clearly it's a good answer; Samuel's face lights up. "Together," he repeats, then leans his head on Jaewon's shoulder. 

Moments later he's back to laughing for the camera and chatting up stylists, and Jaewon finds that he's perfectly happy just watching him.

 

"I'm so tired." Samuel groans, molding himself against Jaewon's side in the van. It's a little uncomfortable, he's not gonna lie, but Jaewon still shifts to accomodate the closeness, even winds an arm around Samuel so he can get even closer if he wants to.

"We've been working hard," he says, stifling a yawn because he's fucking exhausted and if he's this tired, then how must Samuel feel?

Samuel hardly responds, just mms and tucks himself against Jaewon's side, fast asleep in seconds. It's kinda cute.

It really shouldn't be cute. He's getting in too deep. This was all supposed to be temporary.

 

It's Samuel who kisses him first, and at this point, Jaewon isn't even surprised. Samuel tends to know what he wants, and he goes for it without hesitation. It's something Jaewon wishes he could do as well, and isn't that a funny thought. 

The kiss is quick and cautious, little more than a smooch, before Samuel draws back again and watches Jaewon carefully. 

"What was that for?" Jaewon asks because he's not sure how else to react. 

Samuel shrugs and shuffles and bumps his shoulder against Jaewon's arm. "I wanted to."

"Why?" 

This time Samuel flails a little and punches Jaewon's arm instead. "'Cause I like you, idiot!"

Jaewon knows he probably shouldn't, but he can't stop himself from grinning. "That's no way to talk to your hyung."

He earns himself several more punches with that remark and Samuel is practiclly hopping on the spot. "When you're being this dumb I'll talk to you in whatever way--"

Jaewon shuts Samuel up by kissing him. Properly. Cups Samuel's cheek in one hand and tries not to feel like he's doing something horribly wrong. The way Samuel grabs onto the front of his shirt and returns the kiss with far more fervor than he in all honestly should helps a little. The way Samuel smiles at him, dazed, when they break apart helps a little as well.

"Okay then," Samuel says after several long seconds, and Jaewon chuckles because Samuel is never at a loss for words and this feels like an accomplishment.

Not that it lasts. Samuel starts babbling again once he's caught his breath but Jaewon rolls his eyes and lets him talk, because honestly, he enjoys listening to him.

 

It doesn't feel weird, which is the weirdest part.

Samuel readjusts easily, cuts his concept of personal space down from minimal to none. He tells Jaewon secrets in a hushed tone of voice and shows Jaewon the songs he's been writing. He looks at Jaewon with the kind of open admiration that makes Jaewon falter because he doesn't deserve all of this and he's not sure he can handle it. 

But it doesn't feel weird.

He keeps Samuel's secrets and shares a few of his own in return, takes the chance of trusting this bright-eyed kid more than he has trusted a lot of people in his life. He reads through the lyrics, offers suggestions, improvements, compliments. He shows Samuel his own writing in return and listens to the suggestions Samuel makes, especially when it comes to English lyrics. 

It doesn't feel weird. 

He knows the instructors and managers and stylists and fuck knows who else view them as brothers, look at the way they work together and think it's cute, smile at Jaewon and tells him what a good job he's doing in supporting Samuel in all of this. It makes sense, it's probably a logical conclusion to draw, but it annoys Jaewon all the same because they don't get it. Yeah, he is supporting Samuel, but not because Samuel is younger than him. He supports Samuel because they're in this together, they're a unit, and what nobody seems to understand is that Samuel supports him just as much. 

As far as Jaewon's concerned, they're _equals_.

It probably doesn't matter too much that nobody else sees it, because he knows that Samuel feels the same way, and that's what matters.

 

"Kiss," Samuel says in English, and it's not a question.

Jaewon shakes his head, but leans in and kisses him nonetheless, quick and gentle. "You're getting too cocky for your own good."

Samuel grins, smiles wide in that way he only does when they're alone together, happy and confident and just for Jaewon. "I'm not cocky, I know you like me. That wasn't even a proper kiss, I should show you how it's really done."

There's a definite challenge in his tone, but Jaewon doesn't do anything but snort. Samuel does this; pushes the limits, sees how much he can get away with, tries to figure Jaewon out properly. Jaewon usually doesn't push back, he's too old for that, but he remembers what it was like being a teenager. It's not like he's old and wise anyway. 

"Patience, kid," he says and ruffles Samuel's hair because he knows it annoys him a little. He's heard Samuel talk about his old group and his hyungs enough to know that they treated him like he was little more than a toddler. Samuel is older now, he insists, he's not a _baby_ and he doesn't want to be regarded as one.

As if Jaewon has ever looked at Samuel and seen a baby.

Because when he looks at Samuel, Jaewon doesn't see age. There are no big neon lights above his head flashing _danger danger stay away_. Samuel is just Samuel. A little too loud and a little too eager. Better at English than Jaewon will ever be and a better singer than Jaewon could even hope to be. Easy-going and friendly enough that he magically gets to know everyone around them. He's just Samuel, and he's become a strange little constant in Jaewon's life; someone he never expected but is happy to have.

 

Spending most of their time together is nothing new by now, but spending the night together definitely is, and Jaewon isn't quite sure how to deal with Samuel invading his tiny studio apartment. Not that he minds Samuel being there, but it's strange to watch him walk around, taking everything in and then making himself at home as if he's been here countless times before. 

If they had been a normal idol group, they would probably have been living in a dorm together for months already. Instead Samuel lives with his family and Jaewon has the same place he's had since he was nineteen. It sets them apart from most idol groups, but then again, they're not a regular idol group.

"I like it here," Samuel states, planting his ass on the floor in front of the TV, leafing through Jaewon's games and DVDs with interest. 

Jaewon would have complained, except he kind of likes having him here, acting like this is his place too. In the years since he moved in here, Jaewon hasn't shared this space with all that many people. He likes his privacy. Likes having a place to retreat to that's his and his alone, where he can say or do whatever he wants without concern for what anyone might think. It's always felt a bit strange and almost uncomfortable to have anyone else here, whether it's his mother or a friend or a one-night stand.

Samuel, as always, is different. It's like he's the exception to every rule, though by now that's more reassuring than anything else.

Neither of them are used to having an entire evening off, and despite the efforts to play videogames and watch movies they drift back to music before long. Jaewon plays his old demos for Samuel, low quality mp3s recorded on his computer. There are even a few videos of him in his bedroom at home, little older than Samuel, and despite his embarrassment, he lets Samuel watch them even if he can't bring himself to watch them with him.

Instead he watches Samuel, takes in the way he stares at the screen with wide eyes and a slightly open mouth, like he's watching something amazing.

When he's done, he beams at Jaewon and reaches out to pat his thigh. "You were really cute, hyung."

Jaewon just snorts, because honestly, what else is he supposed to do?

 

Having Samuel in his apartment in general is one thing, but having him sleep there is something else entirely. "I can take the couch," he offers, though said couch is slightly too short for him to sleep on comfortably.

Samuel shakes his head and takes the pillow and blanket Jaewon gives him, makes himself comfortable on the couch. He's just the right size for it and Jaewon smiles, leaning down and kissing Samuel's forehead. "My mom kisses me like that," Samuel says with a slight pout, but for once it doesn't sway Jaewon. He's going to do this his way, even if he lets Samuel influence him far more often than he really should.

Something which is obvious when Samuel patters into his bedroom less than an hour after they've gone to bed, crawling in beside him and jolting a half sleeping Jaewon completely awake because this was definitely not part of the plan.

"Sammy," Jaewon says, voice quiet and full of warning, but he's not protesting. Isn't sure he wants to. 

"You've never called me that before." Samuel wiggles beside him, makes himself comfortable, and it should make Jaewon uncomfortable, but it doesn't. It's become natural to have Samuel close. Like he's always been there.

Jaewon scoots closer to the wall to make more room for Samuel and stretches out his arm, let Samuel lean his head against Jaewon's shoulder. "Do you mind it?"

"No, I like it. When it's you."

The open honesty makes Jaewon smile in the darkness of the room and this time he does kiss Samuel properly, quick and gentle, before drawing the blankets up over both of them. He thinks there's no way on earth he's going to be able to sleep with Samuel next to him, but before he knows it, he's fast asleep.

 

Jaewon wakes up to a warm bundle pressed against his side, and his first thought is wondering just when his blanket got this warm. Then he realizes that oh yeah, Samuel's here, and apparently, he has gained the heat of the sun during the night. Still trying to open his eyes properly, Jaewon is about to push Samuel off him a little so it's easier to breathe, which is when Samuel decides to shift and press against Jaewon even more and oh.

_Oh._

Honestly, Jaewon isn't sure whether to be amused or embarrassed, but he feels his cheeks flush hot and he clears his throat to let Samuel know that he's awake. When he doesn't get an answer, he figures that Samuel's still sleeping and okay, that would explain a lot. At least it's probably better than the alternative.

"Sammy." Jaewon nudges Samuel's shoulder gently, doesn't want to wake him up too brutally, not if he's having one of _those_ dreams.

It catches him off guard when Samuel peers up at him with a grin that is nowhere near sleepy. "I'm awake, hyung." As if wanting to prove that fact even more, he grinds against Jaewon's hip and groans, not even trying to keep quiet.

If he wasn't finding it so hot, Jaewon would have been annoyed. Or impressed. Maybe a bit of both.

"Sammy," he says again, admonishing, but he doesn't make Samuel stop. Can't manage to even if he knows he should. It's impossible to push him away when Samuel grabs onto his shoulder and bites his arm, his entire body seeming tense. It's not something Jaewon would have thought he would ever see, but he can't look away and he bites on his lower lip and reaches out, threading his fingers through Samuel's hair - thank god the dreads are gone again by now - and tugging slightly. More as an experiment than anything else.

" _Hyung_." Samuel's voice is little more than a whine, and it's Jaewon who shudders, so close to just going with it, consequences be damned. He manages not to, limiting himself to shifting a little, just enough to give Samuel some added friction and it's all he needs to tense up even more, his face pressed against Jaewon's arm and isn't that a shame. 

Jaewon finds himself wanting to see him come, see his face, and he groans quietly at himself because fuck, he shouldn't be thinking like this.

He's breathing almost as hard as Samuel is by the time Samuel finally looks up at him again, cheeks flushed though he doesn't look anywhere near as embarrassed as he should. As if this is an everyday occurence. There's a chance that if he let it, it could become just that, and the thought has Jaewon shifting because he's in no way unaffected by any of this.

The obvious restlessness of his movement makes Samuel frown and he looks Jaewon over, making a noise half between surprise and delight when he discovers just the kind of effect he has on Jaewon. If he wasn't so busy staying in control of himself Jaewon would have facepalmed over the way Samuel reaches out almost instantly, going for what he wants with the same decisiveness as usual.

This time, Jaewon stops him, manages to grab Samuel's wrist before his hand gets anywhere near his dick. "Too much too soon," Jaewon says in response to Samuel's pout. It's not that he doesn't want to, he really does, can't stop himself thinking about what it would be like, what Samuel would do to try to please him, how eager he would no doubt be, how willing.

But no. They're not going there. Not yet. This is already going too far and he knows it.

Samuel regards him, eyes still raking over him in a way that is nowhere near shy. "Then can I watch you?"

Jaewon practically chokes because that's still on the wrong side of acceptable and he's going to shake his head no, he really is, but then Samuel mutters a _please?_ and kisses his shoulder and Jaewon knows he has lost.

That doesn't mean he doesn't feel more than a little awkward as he runs a hand down his chest. It's not like he's a stranger to jerking off, he's a guy, after all, but he's sure as hell not used to having an audience. An audience that is stroking his side to urge him on, no less. 

It's the fact that Samuel is so unbothered by all of this that makes Jaewon relax as well, allowing himself a slight tease. He tugs his t-shirt up enough to drag his nails down his own stomach, making himself tense up and making Samuel gasp. There's no way Jaewon's going to look over at Samuel right now, but he knows Samuel's there, watching his every move, and that makes such a difference that Jaewon thinks he might come before he even touches himself properly.

He's kind of grateful he doesn't. 

He can't bother with trying to undress, and just pulls his sweatpants down enough to free his dick, curling a hand around it and sighing with relief because it feels like he's been hard for hours. The first strokes are slower and more uncertain than usual, half because this is such an unfamiliar situation, half because he's trying not to rush through it. Might as well make it a bit of a show, right?

"Feels really good." Jaewon almost pushes himself to talk, though he stops before he continues with _would be better if you were doing it_.

He squeezes a little harder and picks up his pace, pushes his hips into his own touch, and it really does feel so fucking good. Good enough that he moans quietly and closes his eyes, trying to focus more on the sensations then on Samuel next to him.

With his eyes closed, he doesn't see it coming when Samuel's hand closes around his own, and the sudden touch makes him gasp and push up harder than intended. "Samuel," he mutters, intending for it to be a warning but it comes out as more of a plea than anything else.

"I just want," Samuel says, voice shaking, and he doesn't finish the sentence. Instead he tightens his grip just enough to make Jaewon shudder, sending him over the edge within seconds and he comes over his own stomach, making a mess out of his t-shirt and struggling to calm down again. Especially because Samuel's hand is still covering his own, grip so tight it's almost painful, and Jaewon has to nudge him to get him to let go again so that he can relax, sinking heavily against the mattress.

Next to him, Samuel is fidgeting, half-heartedly pressing himself against Jaewon's side. He's hard again, Jaewon can feel it, and he can't help but chuckle because damn, they would have one hell of a sex life if they decided to go there. 

"That was really hot." Samuel is breathless and sounds dazed and Jaewon laughs again. It's easier than talking, and he has a feeling that if he tried to say anything, he'd sound just as breathless. Besides, he'd be inclined to agree with Samuel, and that would just serve as an encouragement to push further next time. 

So Jaewon settles for kissing him instead, affectionate little smooches that has Samuel practically purring.

 

They shower together afterwards, all teasing and laughter and easy touches. 

It's more comfortable than Jaewon can remember being with anyone. Even making breakfast for them both comes easy and they share the meal while watching TV, cross-legged on the floor, leaning against each other. The sheer togetherness of it makes Jaewon smile, and he keeps Samuel extra close for the entire day.

 

The only thing that changes is that Samuel's even more openly affectionate with him, but nobody seems to bat an eye at this. Nor does anyone seem to have an issue with how Jaewon reciprocates it; holds Samuel's hand, pulls him into hugs, sits closer to him than he needs to, lets Samuel take naps while curled up against him. It's all gradual, a sliding scale of closeness and comfort and just about innocent enough where they can get away with it.

It's when they're alone that Samuel's smiles turn impish and his hands wander, constantly exploring more and more. It's in the short moments they have to themselves that Jaewon pulls Samuel close, kisses him breathless and flushed. It's whispered snippets of conversations that border on indecent. It's Samuel calling Jaewon late at night when he's in the shower, telling Jaewon how he wishes that they were there and that he's imagining that it's Jaewon touching him. It's staying after dance practice just to be able to dance together a little bit more, risking getting close even if someone could walk in on them any moment. 

They're constantly skirting the line of too much and not enough and Jaewon knows that this is a dangerous game they're playing.

Thing is, it's not a game at all. 

Jaewon knows he's getting in too deep, that there's no way for him to simply walk away from this. He has let Samuel too close and Samuel has welcomed him close in turn, forging them into a much stronger unit than they were in the beginning. 

Most of it goes unspoken. Jaewon can write raps and Samuel's getting better at writing lyrics, but songs are one thing and talking is something altogether different. Jaewon can't even describe to himself how he feels, so trying to tell Samuel would be impossible. Instead he relies on gestures, touches, kisses, smiles that are for Samuel's eyes only. 

He thinks Samuel gets it. 

Not that it stops Samuel from trying to get more. "When can I stay the night again?" He's asked the same question every day for weeks, and Jaewon groans just like he's done all the other times. 

"When you're older," he replies, and he's smiling, but he's not sure he's joking. There are limits to how much willpower he has, and right now, his saving grace is that the time where they're alone together is limited. It's a blessing and a curse at the same time, because fuck, he'd like nothing more than to have Samuel stay at his place for a night, a week, a month.

Samuel looks highly unimpressed with Jaewon's answer and pinches his side. First once, then again, and again. "When did you first, you know, do it?"

It seems like a change of topic except Jaewon knows it isn't. He probably shouldn't answer, but he's gotten used to being honest with Samuel no matter what. "I was fifteen."

"Exactly!"

"You're not fifteen," Jaewon points out and pokes Samuel's cheek. The mere fact that they're having this kind of conversation is kind of proof that they shouldn't cross any more lines than they've already crossed.

Samuel still huffs. "I bet I'm more mature than you were at fifteen. Who was it with? Was it good?" He's as curious as always, digging up pieces of Jaewon's past and no doubt puzzling it together to get a whole that is more accurate than most people's.

It should be disconcerting, but it's not. Jaewon isn't good at letting people close, genuinely close, but it feels right when it's Samuel. Probably explains why he doesn't mind the questions. "It was a disaster," he admits with a little laugh. It's easy to laugh at it now, though at the time it had been so embarrassing he had wanted to sink through the earth. "The girl was my age, we'd been going out for a couple of months. We were supposed to be studying in my room. Probably should've stuck to that."

"When was the first time you were with a guy?" Samuel is nothing if not tenacious, and this time Jaewon grimaces a little. 

"Nineteen. Just after I moved away from home."

Catching his expression, Samuel cocks his head. "Not good?"

"What we did was good, kinda. Who I did it with wasn't very good." Jaewon knows there's an edge to his voice that he can't smooth out, not after all this time, and it makes Samuel scoot closer as if he either wants to ask more questions or comfort Jaewon.

He doesn't have time to do either - they're interrupted by a couple of stylist noonas on the hunt for them, and honestly, Jaewon is relieved. He's willing to be open and honest with Samuel, of course he is, but sharing all his secrets still doesn't come easy.

 

Gradually, things slow down again. Promotions end, schedules grow more sparse, they're able to get enough sleep. After spending so much time doing one thing after another after another until he can barely remember what day it is, Jaewon doesn't quite know what to do with himself. Sure, he could keep going with the dance practices and the vocal lessons, but he knows that's not where his future lies. He might be able to make it in an idol group and they could probably continue with 1punch, settle for that instead of pushing further, onwards, higher.

That's not Jaewon's way, and he doubts it's Samuel's either. They don't talk about it, keep spending time togther, but they don't talk about their next project as a duo.

They were always meant to be temporary. Maybe a one-off, maybe they'll come back together. Time will tell. For now, they're done, paths veering away from each other after overlapping for a while. Jaewon used to think that he would be releaved to see this day come. He's always been used to doing things on his own. This was just supposed to be an experiment. Not something meaningful.

Their team gather for a final wrap-up, and it's supposed to be business-like but it descends into drinking and eating cake and general partying before long. There are handshakes and backslaps and Jaewon bows and smiles and feels proud. Of himself, of Samuel, of both of them, and he knows that this isn't an ending. 

Across the room, Samuel's eyes are blank, but he doesn't cry. 

Jaewon makes his way over and pulls Samuel into a hug, practically lifts him off the floor. Samuel hides his face against Jaewon's shoulder and clings onto him as if he never wants to let go. Maybe not so strange. Samuel has already had to say goodbye to a lot of hyungs, and while they call or text occasionally, he hardly ever sees them anymore. It would be easy for him to think that this is going to be the same.

"No matter what, I'm only a phone call away," Jaewon assures him. "Besides, you already know where I live. You're always welcome, you know that."

Fuck, at this point he'd probably give Samuel a key if he asked for it.

He doesn't. Instead he laughs, a little shakily, and hugs onto Jaewon even harder. "Just don't forget me," he says, and he sounds sad, genuinely sad, as if he really does think that this is it, this is goodbye.

Jaewon shakes his head and makes Samuel look up at him. If the room hadn't been filled with people, he would have kissed him, but he limits himself to running his thumbs across Samuel's cheekbones and tugging lightly on one of his ears. "We're still a team. We're always going to be one, even if we're not together."

He wants to stress this, wants to make sure that Samuel understands that this is important, has been important, will always be important. That _Samuel_ is important. 

If he'd been able to say the words, he would have told Samuel _I think I'm in love with you_. He would have said that they should be together, properly together. He would ask Samuel to be his, for real. He would say that he isn't sure how to get readjusted to a life without Samuel in it, that he doesn't want to get readjusted.

But he knows it's too much. Too much, too soon. It's the way it's been all along, and while he thinks believes hopes that Samuel would go with it without a second thought, he knows it wouldn't be right. It always comes back to one thing. Samuel is too young. Not necessarily too young for Jaewon; they fit together in a way that makes the age difference insignificant. They could probably manage to make it work, stay together through ups and downs, but they've never put words to what they are and Samuel needs to be able to be free.

"I'll always be here for you," Jaewon says, voice catching in his throat and fuck, since when was he this ridiculous. 

This time it's Samuel that touches his face, runs his fingers over Jaewon's cheeks and bops his nose. "And I'll always be here for you," he replies earnestly. Jaewon believes him. There's no pretense with Samuel. His eyes are still blank, but he's smiling now and after stealing a glance around the room he steps closer and tip-toes up to kiss Jaewon. "We have a lot of future ahead of us, right?"

Jaewon grins, pulls Samuel into another hug. "We're just getting started."

And he knows it's true. He's willing to let Samuel go, but he's already looking forwards to the day when they're back together again, working together, writing music together, learning from each other. 

 

A few days later, and Jaewon hasn't seen Samuel since the farewell party. He's a little tipsy after spending two evenings drinking with Sungbin, but it's a pleasant kind of drunk. 

His phone beeps while he's on his way home and he opens it to find a text message from Samuel. _miss u :(_ is all it says and Jaewon chuckles and takes a dark and grainy selfie, sending it to Samuel in return because he's a little too drunk to write proper text messages.

The next message ticks in almost immediately. _can i come over?_

_probs not a gd idea im drunk_

"Does that mean I can take advantage of you?" For a second, Jaewon is sure he has imagined the voice, but then he turns around and finds Samuel standing there, right in front of his building and looking pleased with himself.

Jaewon groans. "Why ask if you can come over when you're already here?"

"Seemed like the polite thing to do." Samuel shrugs and takes the keys from Jaewon, is the one to lead them inside and upstairs, finding the way as easily as if he's been here dozens of times before instead of just one. 

Jaewon grumbles about how Samuel usually doesn't care about what's polite, but he hardly objects to the company and he's tipsy enough to pull Samuel close the second they're through the door, kissing him a little more heatedly than he normally would have. "'ve missed you too, Sammy."

"You really are drunk." Samuel is the one who pulls back and for the longest time he merely looks at Jaewon. There's so many things Jaewon feels like saying or doing, but instead he keeps still, lets Samuel take the lead again. Simply waiting until Samuel takes his hand and leads him into the bedroom, pushing him down on the bed after helping him out of his shirt and jeans. "Just sleep, hyung."

"I thought you were gonna take advantage of me," Jaewon says. He reaches out for Samuel, wants him to stay, and he knows he should stop because he's never quite acted like this with Samuel before, but he knows he can blame it on the alcohol.

There's an edge to Samuel's smile, but he tugs off his sweater and slips into bed nonetheless, stretching out against Jaewon's side. It feels like fucking home and Jaewon sighs, gives Samuel a squeeze just because it's so nice to have him here again.

 

He wakes up in the morning to find Samuel in his kitchen, singing loudly as he cooks breakfast for them, a pot of coffee already on the counter. 

"You're perfect," Jaewon says, impressed. He sure as hell wouldn't have been making coffee and breakfast for anyone when he was Samuel's age. 

Then again, his life and Samuel's life have been very different. Even now, he keeps forgetting that Samuel lived in a dorm for a long time, that he lived something close to an idol life, that he's used to having hyungs around him at all times. Samuel is grown up in all kinds of strange ways and while Jaewon has never really seen him as a kid, these reminders hit hard.

Maybe it's hitting extra hard right now, when he hasn't seen or talked to Samuel in a few days. Instead, Jaewon's been around guys his own age and older. There's been drinking and smoking, partying and talking about girls. The kind of things he does when he's not around Samuel. It makes the contrast stand out starkly, reminds him of the years between them.

Samuel doesn't mention last night and just pushes Jaewon down on the couch and sets a plate of food and a cup of coffee in front of him, before settling on the floor on the other side of the low table. He has grabbed a bit of food for himself as well, but for the most part he watches Jaewon eat. 

"I'm going to L.A. next week," Samuel says without any kind of lead-up, and Jaewon chokes on the coffee he's drinking. When he's finished coughing, he looks up to find Samuel looking back at him, his expression far more unreadable than Jaewon is used to.

"Why?" It's the only thing Jaewon can think of to ask. 

Samuel clicks his tongue and reaches over to take Jaewon's cup, taking a few sips of coffee. Jaewon can't tell if he's trying to buy time, if he's nervous, if he's drawing it out on purpose. "Music. I'm mostly going to help with translating but I'll be in the song too. I'll be away for a while." His words are so measured that Jaewon doesn't know what to make of them.

On one hand, he's proud. Really fucking proud, because Samuel wants to work with music in any way possible and he's going to work for it until he reaches whatever goals he has set for himself.

On the other hand, Jaewon hates the idea of Samuel being across the world. He knows he should have seen it coming, that with the duo technically over, they would both move on to new projects, but he hadn't considered that it might take Samuel to places where Jaewon can't reach him.

He swallows roughly, and he means to tell Samuel well done, good luck, you're gonna do great, but what comes out is, "I'm going to miss you."

Samuel is still watching him. "Are you?"

Jaewon can't figure out if the question is harsh or just curious, and this is starting to unsettle him. This is not the way things are supposed to be. He downs the rest of the coffee and moves onto the floor as well, on Samuel's level. There's a seriousness about him that Jaewon isn't used to, but he tries to take it in his stride instead of simply quipping about being hungover. "Of course I am. I've gotten used to having you around."

"What, so like a puppy or something?" Oh yeah, the question is definitely harsh this time, and Jaewon frowns because he doesn't understand.

"No, what the fuck, of course not!" Sure, Samuel can be a bit of a puppy at times, but that's not why Jaewon is going to miss him, fuck. He thinks it's obvious, just how much Samuel means to him, but he realizes that he hasn't really said it, hasn't made it as obvious to Samuel as it is to him. And while Samuel is perceptive, annoyingly so at times, he's not a mind reader, and he's still a teenager.

Jaewon sighs and shifts closer, close enough to cup Samuel's face in his hands, needing to touch him because that is easier than words. He's always been better at expressing himself through gestures, but he knows it's not always enough. "I'm going to miss you so fucking much," he says, trying to find the right words to make Samuel understand without saying too much. It's a difficult balance to find, made harder by the way Samuel seems to drag honesty out of him at all times.

He hesitates long enough to make Samuel frown, and only then does Jaewon kiss him, trying to convey how he feels through kisses alone. It's not quite enough, he can see it all over Samuel's face, so he kisses him again, a little harder, before pulling away to sit with his back against the couch. "I really like you. Not because you're a puppy or whatever, I like you 'cause you're you. But I can't... We can't... Not yet. You're too young for this."

"Don't give me that shit," Samuel says, surprisingly sharply. "I'm not too young to know how I feel. Hyung, I want to be with you, I don't care about anything else."

He looks so stubborn, so determined, so annoyed that Jaewon can't help but smile and he knows this is dangerous territory but he still reaches out for Samuel, takes his hand, tugs him closer. He shouldn't, but he _wants_ and that makes all the logic in the world fizzle out into nothing.

Without missing a beat, Samuel climbs into his lap, straddles him in a way that has Jaewon's breath hitching in his throat and even though he knows it's a bad idea, he grabs Samuel's hips, a little too hard, pulling him closer. There isn't the slightest hint of apprehension in Samuel's movements, he just makes a vaguely surprised sound as he presses against Jaewon, staring at him for a moment before leaning in to kiss him.

And fuck, it feels so good. 

Jaewon has tried to convince himself that he's okay without Samuel, that it doesn't matter if they're in regular contact anymore. Has told himself that it's nice to be back in touch with his own friends again, that it's cool to flirt with girls in clubs instead of having Samuel clinging to him.

God, he's tried. But all it takes is Samuel kissing him, eagerly, hungrily, and Jaewon's defenses come crumbling down because he wants this just as bad as Samuel, if not even more, and it's difficult to remember why he shouldn't when it feels this easy and natural. It's the way it's been since the beginning; Samuel finding ways to pushing him past his comfort zone while making it all feel so easy at the same time.

"Sammy, fuck, Samuel," Jaewon says, wanting to say something, anything, but words are impossible when Samuel pulls back enough to beam at him. This is the Samuel he's used to, and he just laughs when Samuel pulls off his sweater and throws it carelessly to the side before molding himself against Jaewon again. There's no pretense with Samuel when they're like this, no playing games. He's all curious exploration and honest reactions and Jaewon's head spins at the thoughts of all the things they could do.

For now, however, he's fine with staying like this, Samuel close against him. It makes it difficult to move much, but the heat builds up nonetheless and Jaewon bites back a moan, more out of habit than anything else. He's pretty sure that Samuel would like hearing him, would like to see him give up control completely, but these things take time and Samuel already gets to see sides to Jaewon that nobody else gets to see.

Where Jaewon has patience and enjoys the slow build-up, Samuel is the exact opposite, rushing into it without considering making it last. He's all but grinding down against Jaewon, clearly inexperienced but coordinated enough to do it with the grace of a dancer. "Would you just," Samuel says, panting, and he sounds so frustrated that Jaewon would have laughed if it wasn't for the fact that he's feeling much the same way himself. 

"Just relax," he mutters, shifting enough to make them line up better. It's not perfect, but it's close enough, and Jaewon bites back steadily louder groans as he rolls his hips, trying to get more friction.

Samuel whines against his lips, grabs his shoulders harder. "Easy for you to say."

"It's really not." Jaewon grins at Samuel before kissing him again, sloppily, deeper and harder kisses than they've shared before and instead of pulling back Samuel goes with it, responds in kind and with an intensity that would have scared Jaewon if he hadn't already known how Samuel feels about him. 

Then Samuel tugs at one of his hands, tries to get him to do more, still pushing the limits. This time Jaewon indulges him, moves his hand to fondle Samuel through his pants, gives his dick a squeeze and fuck, Samuel throws his head back and moans, fucking moans, his hips canting into the touch and it doesn't take more than a few seconds before he shudders, his fingers digging bruises into Jaewon's shoulders from where he's holding on too hard.

"Fuck," Samuel chokes out and collapses against Jaewon's chest, still shivering. Jaewon could have let it go at that, leaving it at making Samuel feel good, but this thing isn't one-sided and he moves his hand enough to be able to rub himself, all his senses filled with Samuel when he comes, rushing headlong into an orgasm that is all the more intense because he has Samuel here, with him, close to him.

Jaewon struggles to catch his breath again, slowly coming down, and he brushes his fingers through Samuel's sweaty hair, lets him lean heavily against Jaewon without complaining about the weight. "I'm yours," he says quietly. "If you want me."

Samuel lifts his head enough to peer up at him. "You're an idiot, hyung." If it hadn't been for the fact that Samuel smiles happily and kisses him moments later, Jaewon would have been offended. As it is, he's happy enough just returning the slow, unhurried kisses, focusing on the feeling of Samuel in his arms instead of what anyone would think of this.

It's as if Samuel can sense it, and he kisses Jaewon's nose before settling against him again. "Our secret," he promises.

 

"You look happy," Sungbin comments the next weekend, when they're sharing a quick meal at a local café. "Since when did you smile this much?"

Jaewon ducks his head, tries not to smile, he really does, but he finds himself grinning at Sungbin before long. He can't really tell him the truth, can't tell anyone the truth, but this is a secret he doesn't mind keeping. "I'm allowed to be in a good mood, yeah?"

Sungbin looks him over, but offers him a lopsided grin in return and cuffs his shoulder. "Whatever you're doing, keep it up."

"Don't have to tell me twice," Jaewon says and digs up his phone, sending a message to Samuel 

 

The night before Samuel's leaving for L.A., and he's curled up against Jaewon's side, eyes on the videogame that Jaewon's playing even if he doesn't seem to be paying much attention. He's yawning almost non-stop, and it makes Jaewon want to kidnap him and take care of him for a while.

Samuel pushes himself so hard. He has too much drive, too much of a desire to make this work. Not enough patience to take his time. He'll dance for hours, write songs until his hands cramp up, socalize with people decades older than him. It should make him seem vulnerable, but if anything, it makes him seem strong, tough, wise beyond his years.

It's in moments like these that Jaewon is reminded of Samuel's age, of how much growing up he still has to do. He pauses the videogame so he can curl his arms around Samuel, downright cuddling him. "I wish you didn't have to go," he murmurs with his mouth against Samuel's hair, purely selfish words dragged out of him almost against his will.

Samuel hmms and leans into the embrace, his arms curling around Jaewon in return. "I know, but imagine how good it'll be when I come back."

"Back to me?" The question is loaded, more so than Jaewon had intended. It's unfair of him to even ask, unfair and selfish and impossible to take back. He needs to know. 

"Of course," Samuel answers without missing a beat and Jaewon hugs him closer, holds him as if he never wants to let go.

 

The morning after, when Samuel's on a plane halfway across the world, Jaewon shuffles into the kitchen to find a note and a polaroid picture pinned to his fridge. The picture is of Samuel, smiling, looking into the camera as if it's just for Jaewon. The note simply reads _I love you~_ in English, and Jaewon touches his fingers to both. 

Tangible proof left behind that Samuel is his, no matter the age or distance separating them, and eventually he'll be back. In Korea, with Jaewon, where he belongs. 

"I love you too," he says to the empty room, leaning against the fridge and thinking that yeah, they're gonna be okay.


End file.
